XY

I just came to a conclusion :D


The XY species are: stupid, complicated, weird and too tiring to figure out. I guess there are exceptions but not that many.

YANHAR 2SWEEEEED

It's 3.38am, it's pissing outside, I can't get a wink of sleep and I am totally one hundred percent PISSED OFF. 

Why Why oh why do u think I'm so pissed off? I'll tell you why ...

Being the good girl I am I decided to not waste my time facebook stalking people I don't really give a shit about and instead I would look for an internship. This is my attempt at being constructive and trying to do something worthwhile.

So after about 1 hour and a half of endless searching I finally find this amazing site called topintenships.com. I am literally over the moon when I find this...at last a website with useful information! I type in my details name, birthday, place of residence (couldn't believe Egypt was on the list aslan) and then comes my university. So as I scroll down to find the name of my beloved university the GUC I find...absolutely nothing. I expected it I guess so I didn't feel too bad. It's not very likely that a UK intership search engine would have a list of Egyptian universities but just to check I looked again. What did I find? Ain Shams and Cairo Uni. OK... also expected as they are after all the oldest established universities in Egypt. BUT THEN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT... I found the American University in Cairo!!

Oh oh wait not just that there's also an American University in Beirut, Dubai, Sharijah and Paris. I couldn't believe the amount of bullshit universities listed. 

There's a university called the University of Greenwich Pakistan!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single University in Tel Aviv is listed..... EVERY SINGLE ONE. WTF

Most people won't understand why it made me feel angry, I certainly wouldn't have expected this reaction from myself. It's just that if every single bloody bull shit university is recgonised then why isn't the GUC amongst them! We should be between Georgia University and Gifu university :D

The difference between meant to be and chose to be

Having a dream and losing it...watching it disintegrate infront of your eyes. 

Chances are it's happened, is happening or will happen to the majority of us throughout our life time. I find myself wondering... Is that fate? or is that we didn't try hard enough. In a situation such as this it's always easier to believe it wasn't meant to be. There are times when we simply cannot contemplate the option that it's because we didn't fight hard enough for what we wanted... that we simply let it slip through our fingers. On some level it's reassuring to believe that things are out of our hands. It relieves us from the burden of responsibility and blame. Fate can be considered a form of denial or wishful thinking whereby even if we had tried harder or had more courage then the results and consequences would have been the same. 

But does that mean that when we choose to believe in fate, we are naively shying away from the truth and using fate as an excuse to evade  the risk of being open and honest with ourselves????

No

I wouldn't go that far because I know that believing in fate isn't always a state of denial and wishful thinking but rather it can be a hope or belief that there is good in the world. Fate offers hope for a better tomorrow and reassurance that we have a purpose and a destination. It is an inspiration and a drive for some to move forward, to build different dreams and to go about their lives in a happy manner. 

There is a part of me that believes in fate because it's my way of accepting that bad things happen for a reason. But there is another part of me that is absolutely terrified by the thought that I have no control over the different aspects of my life. There are times when I feel that believing in fate is admiting that my own ambitions, dreams and wishes are meaningless and so are my endeavors to reach them.  To a certain degree they are, if as they say 'whatever will be will be'. 

As I question the concept of fate...I can't help but think... did I choose to be the person I am and the life I am now living or was it just handed to me by fate because it was meant to be? 

I think that there are many aspects of my life that were down to my choices but then I cannot cut fate out of the picture completely because not everything was my fault :P I guess fate gave me a push in what I hope is the 'right direction'. 

So what's the difference between meant to be and chose to be??

It depends on your perspective...

You can choose to believe that you are in the place you are now because of your own actions, choices and decisions.

or you can believe that you were meant to be in the situation you are now as part of the greater plan. 

I'm not vain enough to say that there is a right answer or way of thinking. 

All I can say is that maybe we are meant to meet a certain somone, reach a certain destination or become a particular person. But we cannot deny that we choose many things in our lives, that our free will is there. That we do have the power to follow our dreams if it is our true desire. I choose to believe that there are things that are meant to be but I also believe I have some control over the things that matter to me.  

يا رب إذا أسأت الي الناس .. أمنحني شجاعة الإعتذار

 و إذا أساء الناس الي .. فامنحني شجاعة العفو

 

what i do know

I may be the confused soul right now but there are things I know I know and I'm writing them now feeling sure..

I will survive because I have to.

I cannot force myself to love something or someone...it just happens it's unexplainable.. it happens when it happens.

There are things that are out of my control. 

My problems won't disappear magically. 

I refuse to surrender...there isn't a battle I believe in that I will back out from.

I choose to be happy. It's not something I'm always successful at but I am trying and I will get there at the end.

I can't change the past and I can't erase the irreversible effect it has had on me.  

 

I know that I am a different person and yet I see glimpses of my old self from time to time. I can't really say I understand this new person that I have become but this is just another one of the things on my list of things I'm trying to figure out. 

I am angry right now which is why I feel so passionate and sure about the things I am writing.

Nothing lasts forever, nothing will ever go exactly the way I want but this doesn't mean I 'm giving in. There are things I want to know... to understand... to discover...to achieve. I WILL figure this out, I WILL do these things and I REFUSE to let anything or anyone stop me. 

Lost

Lost... can't find your way back home. But what if you don't know what is your home never mind where it is? Even if you know where your home is, what happens when you don't want to go back?

Lost... walking around with no aim or destination. This at least requires that you have a vague idea of  what you want out of life and possesing the desire to explore the concept... to explore the possibilities. What if you don't even have that?????? 

Lost.. don't know where you are on an emotional level. Suppose you surpassed the state of confusion and can't explain to yourself how and what you're feeling. 

Lost... something in your possession you can no longer find. If it's lost there is always the chance it's gone forever. When it's gone can you accept it and move on? What if you're not ready to take that step?

For me being lost ... was like running around aimelessly but remaining at a stand still. I wasn't getting anywhere and there was no place I wanted to be. Everything was totally spontaneous and a reaction to the moment. Although I've come a long way I'm not really sure if I've passed the phase of being lost. Like the compass of an arrow rotating trying to point north I am  trying to decide upon my goals and aim in life...trying to find my reason for being. 

I can't really define the concept  of being lost or answer any of the questions I've posed. It's just one of those random thoughts I've been having and just needed to be extracted from my brain.

I feel good where I am right now. Even though I'm not really any closer to answering the questions I have ...I am at least closer to figuring them out.  

If I was...

There are many people who will actually feel like slapping me when they read this title but I honestly couldn't control my self. I often wonder what it's like to be something else...someone else. In the past I have to admit it's something I've thought about alot, just because it's always easier to imagine being happier on the other side where the grass is supposedly greener. Sometimes the things that happen to me are overwhelming and instead of just dealing with it I back away, block and pretend it's not happening. I go to so many places, some happy like lalala land and sometimes I don't really go anywhere I just surrender and let myself get consumed by the bitterness, anger and saddness. So to get out of this I think to myself if i was... 

If I was an animal I would be a yellow blue birdy..... 

If I was a place I would be Rome .....

If I was an ice cream Iwould be zababy bl toot......

If I was a website I would be yky21.blogspot.com :P (It took me a very long time to find a suitable answer to that one)

Asking myself all these questions, thinking of other things I could or would be was so much easier than facing up to the truth. I didn't even consider that I could just be myself and stop questioning.. stop asking if I was. I was willing to look and waste time thinking of all the possibilities of things I could be instead of accepting myself and acknowledging that I am a person worth being. In a way it was too painful because to consider myself as an option I would have had to escape from the denial I had wrapped myself in. I would have had to feel the full impact of everything I was meant to feel , something I felt I was to fragile to do. 

When I ask myself this question now I can still think of a million and one answers but  I've chosen one final and definte answer. 

If I was anyone or anything ...I would be me.

Because it doesn't matter how much I wish I was someone else, I'll always just be me. I can't change my circumstances though there are many times I wish I could and I can't change the person I've become. All I can really do is be brave, try to deal with things and be myself. I just have to figure out who I am exactly. :D

I'm not really sure if this has made any sense but it's what I felt like writing. :D

What not to wear!!!!

After a gruelling 3 hours of studying pharmceutical chemistry (and yes it is as disgusting as it sounds) I went upstairs to watch some mind numbing TV. I found one of the kiddywinks watching 'What not to wear' which is just one of those lovely pretentious TV shows that claims to have all the wisdom on how to transform yousrself from what they consider to be 'boring' into some 'wanton sex goddess'. I literally couldn't believe my eyes so I went too look for my glasses. The kiddywink was not only watching this bull shit but the kiddywink was actually taking it all in and enjoying it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly yacky fears for the future generation. 

It makes me so angry to see these programs because it's ridiculous, so ridiculous on so many levels. They dissect a woman from head to toe... tell her she looks like crap and then they come up with this miracle make over/transformation where she gets some epiphany and claims the experience transformed her life. Since when did clothes transform a persons life!!!!!!! Maybe I'm being narrow minded and snobby about this but I just believe that every person is beautiful in their own way and that the fact that the top they're wearing makes them look 'square' doesn't really matter. Ofcourse programs like these stem from society's obsession with fashion and appearance and to me it's just a shame. Instead of having programs that inspire individuality and pride in one's self be it their appearance or their personality we are bombarded with nonsense about what we should and shouldn't wear in order to be acceptable to society and to fit in according to what is expected of us. I for one choose not to be affected by such nonsense :D. Tomorrow im going to wear jeans because they're comfortable, my GUCMUN t-shirt and a jacket because I'll probably get cold. :D Take that for a fashion statement.