I'm dreaming

Dream On... Just don't imagine they'll all come true.
Billy Joel

I woke up this morning, feeling good...feeling happy.

There's something I want, there's something I really want... I'm not naive enough to believe I will get it or that it will be easy but I'm now brave enough to dream. I'm reaching for it, I don't know if I can get to it but I'm dreaming, hoping praying that someday I will.

Sharing a thought

I realized something today.

I want to travel the world with someone I love...

Maybe this is fara3' 3atefy speaking......but then again maybe it's not :D

Ana mostawrada..?

For those of you who know me I'm not exactly the most patriotic person in the world.


I don't go crazy when Egypt wins a football match.


My Arabic reading level and vocabulary is probably that of a 12 year old.


I am convinced that it's right to '2ste3'ata' and not '2t3'ata' and to ride '3ala the bus' not 'fl bus'. :D


I'm still not quite sure what is Ali baba's story but vaguely know about some guy called Goha.


There are times when I find it hard to understand and relate to Egyptian culture. Most of the time I don't have the will to even try and comprehend it.


So I can understand why I would be labeled as 'mostwarada'. I can see where it comes from and I guess to a certain extent it is true.


But give me some credit. :) How else would I have turned out to be? 3 years ago the only memories I had of Masr were simply those of me going to the sa7el playing in the sand and swimming in the sea. I wasn't actually exposed to anything else.


I've always felt that those around me have a stronger Egyptian identity and connection to their country. I thought that I didn't feel anything towards Masr...that it was just a holiday resort or a transit to my final destination.


What I feel is simple. Masr is home. Ana masreya not mostawrada. I guess some may feel I don't deserve the 'title' or that it doesn't suit me. Fair enough. There was a time I felt the same...or at least thought I did. But you know what? :D


It says on my passport born in Egypt. It's the place where I took my first steps and spoke my first words.


In England I chose to register my nationality as Egyptian.


I love molo5eya.


My British friends say I'm Egyptiany and claim I smell of sand.


I feel home sick if I'm gone longer than 2 weeks.


I secretly cried every time we left Masr to go back to England after the summer holiday had ended.


If god blesses me with children... I would like them to live their childhoods in Masr.

Dear World...

WORLD....what do you want from me?
Demands, obligations, promises, hopes, dreams...are these things I'm meant to have? How much longer can I keep giving? How much more can I take?


I don't know.


I'm not sure if I can be what people want me to be. I'm not sure if I can even be the person that I want to be. I'm changing that's a fact but into what??? I simply have no idea.


I shouldn't be carrying the burdens I willingly put on my shoulders. But I do. Because that's who I am. I do what I do, because sometimes I feel I'm the only one who cares. Sometimes I'm the cause and I can't fix what I've done. My sense of obligation takes over to at least take responsibility and carry as much of the burden as silently as I can. Most of the time it's just because I care too much.


I don't want much from you world. I just want happiness. I'm not expecting it on a silver platter. I just hope it won't be much longer because I don't know how long I can last feeling like this.

XY

I just came to a conclusion :D


The XY species are: stupid, complicated, weird and too tiring to figure out. I guess there are exceptions but not that many.

YANHAR 2SWEEEEED

It's 3.38am, it's pissing outside, I can't get a wink of sleep and I am totally one hundred percent PISSED OFF. 

Why Why oh why do u think I'm so pissed off? I'll tell you why ...

Being the good girl I am I decided to not waste my time facebook stalking people I don't really give a shit about and instead I would look for an internship. This is my attempt at being constructive and trying to do something worthwhile.

So after about 1 hour and a half of endless searching I finally find this amazing site called topintenships.com. I am literally over the moon when I find this...at last a website with useful information! I type in my details name, birthday, place of residence (couldn't believe Egypt was on the list aslan) and then comes my university. So as I scroll down to find the name of my beloved university the GUC I find...absolutely nothing. I expected it I guess so I didn't feel too bad. It's not very likely that a UK intership search engine would have a list of Egyptian universities but just to check I looked again. What did I find? Ain Shams and Cairo Uni. OK... also expected as they are after all the oldest established universities in Egypt. BUT THEN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT... I found the American University in Cairo!!

Oh oh wait not just that there's also an American University in Beirut, Dubai, Sharijah and Paris. I couldn't believe the amount of bullshit universities listed. 

There's a university called the University of Greenwich Pakistan!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single University in Tel Aviv is listed..... EVERY SINGLE ONE. WTF

Most people won't understand why it made me feel angry, I certainly wouldn't have expected this reaction from myself. It's just that if every single bloody bull shit university is recgonised then why isn't the GUC amongst them! We should be between Georgia University and Gifu university :D

The difference between meant to be and chose to be

Having a dream and losing it...watching it disintegrate infront of your eyes. 

Chances are it's happened, is happening or will happen to the majority of us throughout our life time. I find myself wondering... Is that fate? or is that we didn't try hard enough. In a situation such as this it's always easier to believe it wasn't meant to be. There are times when we simply cannot contemplate the option that it's because we didn't fight hard enough for what we wanted... that we simply let it slip through our fingers. On some level it's reassuring to believe that things are out of our hands. It relieves us from the burden of responsibility and blame. Fate can be considered a form of denial or wishful thinking whereby even if we had tried harder or had more courage then the results and consequences would have been the same. 

But does that mean that when we choose to believe in fate, we are naively shying away from the truth and using fate as an excuse to evade  the risk of being open and honest with ourselves????

No

I wouldn't go that far because I know that believing in fate isn't always a state of denial and wishful thinking but rather it can be a hope or belief that there is good in the world. Fate offers hope for a better tomorrow and reassurance that we have a purpose and a destination. It is an inspiration and a drive for some to move forward, to build different dreams and to go about their lives in a happy manner. 

There is a part of me that believes in fate because it's my way of accepting that bad things happen for a reason. But there is another part of me that is absolutely terrified by the thought that I have no control over the different aspects of my life. There are times when I feel that believing in fate is admiting that my own ambitions, dreams and wishes are meaningless and so are my endeavors to reach them.  To a certain degree they are, if as they say 'whatever will be will be'. 

As I question the concept of fate...I can't help but think... did I choose to be the person I am and the life I am now living or was it just handed to me by fate because it was meant to be? 

I think that there are many aspects of my life that were down to my choices but then I cannot cut fate out of the picture completely because not everything was my fault :P I guess fate gave me a push in what I hope is the 'right direction'. 

So what's the difference between meant to be and chose to be??

It depends on your perspective...

You can choose to believe that you are in the place you are now because of your own actions, choices and decisions.

or you can believe that you were meant to be in the situation you are now as part of the greater plan. 

I'm not vain enough to say that there is a right answer or way of thinking. 

All I can say is that maybe we are meant to meet a certain somone, reach a certain destination or become a particular person. But we cannot deny that we choose many things in our lives, that our free will is there. That we do have the power to follow our dreams if it is our true desire. I choose to believe that there are things that are meant to be but I also believe I have some control over the things that matter to me.