me

I dont believe in blogs, I believe and trust in diaries. It's not that I try to be mysterious or anything. This is just how its always been, whenever I feel angry, upset or even blissfuly happy(ie hyper) I turn to my diary and pour out my feelings without any reservations. I love the way it feels to just let it all out! You see a diary can never judge you, it doesnt analyse your every word, question your intentions or push you to say more. A diary is always there for you to fill your thoughts and feelings with without having to wonder what it's reaction will be. This is why I write a diary because its one of the few things I can trust when it comes to my secrets and my feelings. I know it sounds pathetic that I choose to be open with a bundle of paper but it comes from my fear of judgement, which is something I face every day of life and one which takes many forms.

I've become a person who locks everthing inside fearing that others will see right through me and see the things I try to hide...see the things I try to forget. I fear that if people know me truly and fully that they will stop seeing me the way I want them to see me or at least I fear that they will look at me in a different way. In any case, its a chance I haven't been willing to risk. But know I've reached a point in my life where I no longer want to hide but at the same time I don't really want to go the whole way...I don't want or at least at the moment I can't be 100% open and transparent. But I want to change and I'm trying and so for the first time in a long time I'm putting myself out there to be judged because I've realised its something I cant escape and its certainly not something I'm going to run or hide from. I want to be the person I know I can be and if that means taking the risk of being misunderstood, hurt or shuned then its a risk I'm willing to take. I've spent too much of my life already trying to hide, pretending or at least trying to be numb, trying not to get affected. This is something big. I'm making a fresh start for myself one that I am proud of.