2009

When I think of 2009... I smile

 

I think of the trials I've been through... I think of what I achieved, what I didn't and how I got there. This last year has been different in so many ways, for me at least. I've experienced things, pushed myself and been pushed to the boundaries I never even dared to tip toe. My life has always been so random and unexpected, which of course I found irritating as I simply love routines... even crave it as I practically have none in my life. :D and as I think of all these things I smile because I remember how I lucky I've been this year. I've made it through and become the person I am for many reasons one being the friends I've made and I cherish every 2009 moment I've spent with them. I've never actually shown anyone what I write in my diary but I think as it's almost a new year, a new start can be instigated through making a new change. 

October 2008 

Today I was with lamia in the bus, I love the bus because its fun and I'm weird :D OH OH nd I saw this boy who had the coolest superman T-shirt everrrrrrr :D lamia won't go ask superman boy where he got his super man t-shirt :( oh well.. 

November 2008 

HAHAHAHA I met a girl called Mariam at Almun today. WOW. I like her, we clicked so quickly its unbelievable. I can just tell that we're gonna be great friends. It's nice to talk to someone who doesn't need a translation. lol 

February 2009

I went to Costa today with mariam to see those MUN people. They look ok, I actually enjoyed talking to them. There way a boy called moza (I have no idea why they gave him that name coz honestly its just a mas5ara name :D ), oh nd one called shams and one called yousry. They are weird but I like them :D

8th of March 2009 12.15 

I'm so in love with this MUN stuff, its crazy!!!!!!!! I was a bit worried about being friends with Omar and Ibrahim but I really feel like we've bonded. Ofcourse I love mariouma more than ever. I don't know its weird but they feel like family and hopefully we will all be the best of friends. I love how I feel around them. I feel so happy so unbelievably happy :D

26th of May 2009 

After what happened to me ie the whole 'dreamt big' disaster I felt really down and depressed and lost faith in myself and stopped believing and dreaming. Moza, Omar,Sheebo,Shams, Nounou and Salma had a dream, a dream they turned into a reality. I feel so thankful to them that they shared this dream with me and gave me back my faith. I feel like things are right.

14th of July 2009 9.40 am Back at DGGS (my school in England)

After I moved to Egypt my world turned upside down, I felt like this new place I was forcibly put in wasn't worth my time or love. I was very wrong when I went today I was struck by how everyone had moved on to bigger and better things. Seeing this made me realise how this is what I should have done long ago. I should have been brave and strong enough to let go and move on. I love school so much but I don't belong there anymore. I can't live in the old days. I have my friends in Egypt and I love them lots and lots and my place is with them. Egypt is my home hasn't always been but now it most certainly is. 

20th of December 2009 3 pm

I felt so horrible today but one thing which always makes me feel better is youmna. Talking to her is enough to cheer me up. Her support and love...she is one of the most sincere honest people I know and I thank god that three years ago that silly billy decided to go to the pharmacy orientation. 

After reading all this you may think that some moments are more significant than others but for me these are the moments that have defined me, caused me to change in one way or another. I cannot quite understand or describe how these people have come to influence me or how they became a big part of my year and an even bigger part of my life. All I know is 2009 wouldn't have been the same without them. I wouldn't have been the same. 

So just to warn you... 2010 and onwards you better still be here because I don't even want to imagine the possibility that you won't. 

me

I dont believe in blogs, I believe and trust in diaries. It's not that I try to be mysterious or anything. This is just how its always been, whenever I feel angry, upset or even blissfuly happy(ie hyper) I turn to my diary and pour out my feelings without any reservations. I love the way it feels to just let it all out! You see a diary can never judge you, it doesnt analyse your every word, question your intentions or push you to say more. A diary is always there for you to fill your thoughts and feelings with without having to wonder what it's reaction will be. This is why I write a diary because its one of the few things I can trust when it comes to my secrets and my feelings. I know it sounds pathetic that I choose to be open with a bundle of paper but it comes from my fear of judgement, which is something I face every day of life and one which takes many forms.

I've become a person who locks everthing inside fearing that others will see right through me and see the things I try to hide...see the things I try to forget. I fear that if people know me truly and fully that they will stop seeing me the way I want them to see me or at least I fear that they will look at me in a different way. In any case, its a chance I haven't been willing to risk. But know I've reached a point in my life where I no longer want to hide but at the same time I don't really want to go the whole way...I don't want or at least at the moment I can't be 100% open and transparent. But I want to change and I'm trying and so for the first time in a long time I'm putting myself out there to be judged because I've realised its something I cant escape and its certainly not something I'm going to run or hide from. I want to be the person I know I can be and if that means taking the risk of being misunderstood, hurt or shuned then its a risk I'm willing to take. I've spent too much of my life already trying to hide, pretending or at least trying to be numb, trying not to get affected. This is something big. I'm making a fresh start for myself one that I am proud of.